HOLSTEN CLEMENTS-MOYSE 1996 -15/06/09
How sad I am, to have lost you. We met under such lucky circumstances, I was just visiting and there were you, without a family. I was still greving my loss even then after all the time that had passed, you were there scared as you had seamed to have spent most of your life, your early life had been explained to me and I was sad for you, but still I was not willing to allow you into my life after my earlier loss. I went home and against my better judgment mentioned you. I was persuaded to re-visit you in your temporary home. You had been offered to 4 other families who found your needs too challenging, I had chatted to your carers about how I had experience with challenging behaviour they were keen for you to come and join my little family. I remember vividly your love of food, with a treat in my hand you came out of the safety of your home, in to view, tummy rumbling, taking my offerings and retreating to your safe place.
When I came back I remember your carers looking pleased to see me and JC, we chatted and took you out for a short while, we were smitten knowing that we could offer you all of what you needed and you what we needed, after your carers placed a call or two and two days passed you were at home with us, you loved it, we loved it keeping you out of the bath was difficult. I dusted off the stuff you would need to be with us, again reminding me of my previous loss, but now was a new time, a time to move on, not forget but a time to feel happy and enjoy. And we did you made us laugh again.
We were on the move again, and off to the farm, your huge space where you were so safe. Nothing to feel in fear of, the freedom to explore, no perceivable parameters, open doors, the sun shining down as you rolled in the grass. We decided very early on that unless absolutely necessary you would never leave here, not when we went away you had a fan club, who loved to come here and spend time with you. Toys and treats were lavished on you to the point where sometimes upon our return we sometimes felt you wished we were still away, we know you were just being aloof because we left you and soon enough you were sharing your boundless love again.
The time passed so very quick though, where it has gone I really don’t know, you, unperceivable to me at the time, slowed down, ambling along, taking your time, pace slowed, now I can see it much clearer. Odd really as I like to think I see these things, but I did miss them mostly. There were two occasions really where it was perceivable
You were very ill, peritonitis was its name, well it nearly killed you, and we were beside our selves. We prayed for you and were blessed with your complete recovery.
The next time was the last time, we all, including you fought hard. You were already in years beyond what anyone could have in any dreams hoped for, you groaned and creaked, you didn’t look sad for yourself. We were so scared to loss you, after all these years in our lives. This is where we had choices, choices to be made for you against our needs, but we have to make them never the less.
I wanted you to stay with us, but my love for you helped me to make the right choice for you. I knew you were not coming home with me on Monday, I avoided spending time with you in the morning, you took your medication and ate your breakfast with no fuss, you ran to the van knowing you were going out, to the only place we ever took you, where you were always a good patient, never rude or unruly, good natured till the very end. I took the decision to end your life out of love, the love you showed us, and those lucky enough to have known you. As you sat for the last time I felt your bum hit the floor, I asked you to lay down, I was and am still so very sad I wanted us to run, home to your safe place where the sun shone the grass was soft. You did lie down I was already crying not caring who saw. I held you; we looked at each other, your beautiful eyes looking in mine. You knew, we knew………………
As the life ebbed from you I felt retched and relieved at the same time. You left me, so quickly, I know you were ready. I could not leave you; I had never left you anywhere but at home.
I closed your eyes, still unable to let you go, when I did you looked as if you were just sleeping, I thought your nails needed clipping again remember how I would do a foot in a sitting so you didn’t get too fed up with it.
The drive home without you was …………was………….
I am still not sure how I got home, through those eyes…………………….
Everyone was here except JC, she now knew the decision had been taken I hadn’t told anyone what was going on, so I decided to get away, I waited for JC and then we came home, without you the first time ever…………………………
A true friend gone
Holsten a Rotweiler and family member
